My Galley Rules
by KingOfCrackfics
Summary: Malfunctioning replicators, an android's sense of humor and terrible banana jokes... Just an ordinary day on the Enterprise! One-shot Crack-fic. Don't like, don't read :)


Captain Picard was needing a break from the pressures of the Bridge after a stressful day negociating a delivery of Dylithium Crystals to a Ferrengi transport ship, whose captain complained that the Dylithium was of inferior quality and therefore was trying hard to haggle down the price to less than what it was worth.

The Captain who never liked dealing with the Ferrengi anyway, but needed the sale to pay off a credit card debt that was overdue after his splurge the previous month on quality Earl Grey tea from the alpha quadrant, which had not been delivered thus far.

"Oh well," said the Captain to himself, "it looks like replicator tea tonight," as he wandered out for a stroll down to Ten Forward for a hot drink and to unwind.

Picard walked up the the Replicator and asked for his usual "Tea, Earl Grey, hot." but what he got was a fizzle, a low pitched hum, then a pop and a splat, and that was it. After several attempts, many fizzles, pops and a spattering of Splats... Captain Picard gave up and tapped his com unit.

"Mr LaForge, we have a problem again with the Replicators. My Earl Grey Tea fizzled and then popped."

"I see Sir,' said LaForge... "Did it by any chance go SPLAT, to?"

"As a matter of fact it _did _go SPLAT," replied Picard, "Is that bit important though? The fact that it fizzled and then popped was enough of a failure for me, I like my tea _hot_, not _splat _! "

"No Sir, not important Sir, just curious, it seems that everything at the moment just seems to go SPLAT, thats all." said LaForge.

"So Mr LaForge, do you have any idea why our replicators are splatting our orders?" asked Picard.

"Well Sir, it all started happening after the software upgrade we did. We were adding some new items to the Replicators menu," said LaForge.

"Like what?" asked the Captain

"Like, sweet curried ice cream, poached eggplant pesto, and norweign fried eggs," said LaForge.

"And so what happened exactly," asked Picard

"Well, seems we got fried Replicators instead," answered LaForge. "But we are on to it Sir, but it seems to be a bigger problem than I anticipated, so for now we might have to compromise a little."

"Compromise a little?" questioned the Captain, "Compromise what? What are you getting at Mr LaForge?"

"Well Sir... it might be weeks before we have this sorted out, but this is why I actually asked if the Replicator 'Splatted" your order Sir, it seems whatever you order, it Splatts something out on your plate, so in the meantime I was thinking of making a whole new menu of Splat dishes, like, spatted potatoes, Splat casserole, Whiskey on the Splatts, Stir fried SPLAT, and for you Sir... Splat Grey Tea !." Mr LaForge said with slight chuckle.

"NOT funny Mr LaForge," I want the Replicator problem sorted out as soon as possible, my Earl Grey Tea shipment seems to be delayed, and I will NOT be drinking Earl Grey Splat, Splat Grey Tea, or any other variation of a splattered tea that the replicators have on offer this week."

"I'm on to it Captain," said LaForge, "But in the meantime, I believe that Commander Data was going to ask you to be relieved from Bridge duties till this is fixed."

'Why?" asked Picard

"He says he would love to work in the Galley and cook up a storm. He's been watching all those re-runs of the old cooking shows and thinks he has the know how to make his Galley rule, Sir," answered LaForge.

"I see," said the Captain, "Well, you get on with your job Mr LaForge, I'll talk with Data." said the Captain, then signed off.

Two seconds later The Captains com badge beeped, it was Commander Data.

"Yes Data?," sasked the Captain.

"Sir, I would like to request to have absence from the Bridge till this Replicator problem is fixed. I believe I can more than satisfy the crew with my cooking skills," said Data proudly.

"I hope that you dont have any SPLAT dishes on your menu do you Commander?" said Picard sarcastically

"Sir..?.. Splat dishes?, are they healthy Sir? they sound like they may be full of preservative Sir, I have to admit that Im not familiar with them Captain, but Im sure I can cook one up after doing some research.

"No noo Data, I wasnt being serious, it was a joke, forget it, yes, you can go to the galley." said Picard.

"Oh, a joke," mumbled a bewildered Data, "Sorry Sir, I don't have my joke chip installed, the last time Mr LaForge installed one, I couldn't stop laughing at my own jokes, which apparently, weren't all that funny, quire bad in fact, and Commander Riker got sick of them and removed the chip and hid it from me and said it was somewhere I'd never find it, and that has left me jokeless," said Data matter of factly.

"Jokeless," chuckled Picard.. 'JOKELESS ?... Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, thats hilarious, good one Data, jokeless." Picard was still laughing as he signed off the com

unit.

Commander Data just stood there staring at the floor deep in thought for a moment. "That wasnt even funny" he said to himself quietly, "why on earth would the Captain think it was hilarious?" He mused to himself. "I really need to find that joke chip again and pop it back in." With that, he made his way to the Galley and put on his positronic apron.

LaForge had his head under the hood of the Food Replicator main control unit when Riker came bursting in... "How's it going Geordi?, any progress on the Splat-ocators" boomed Riker. Geordi jumped with fright and banged his head hard on the hood of the control unit that he was under, causing it to fall back down on his head and trapping it inside the unit, his arms flailing about outside.

"A little help here if you dont mind Commander" echoed Geordi's voice from under the hood.

Commander Riker laughed at the rediculous sight of Geordi's head stuck under the hood and his arms all over the place, but lifted the hood and helped Geordi get his head out.

"Thanks,," said Geordi, "and yes, I guess you could say I've made some progress, you watch what happens now when I order chichen noodle soup."

Geordi asked the replicator for some chicken noodle soup, and it whirred, whined, whistled, and then SPLOOCHED !

"I dont see much differnece," said Riker, "that's just a yellow blob of mass that I see."

"Well, yes it is, but you see, I've got it to SPLOOCH now, rather than SPLAT. I call that progress !" said Geordi with a hugegrin.

"I see," said Riker, "well when you progress as far as, Spit, let me know, and I might order something, I wouldn't mind a cooked chook on the spit."

"Very funny," said Geordi, "I'll keep working on it, who knows, I might even manage Splutter."

Meanwhile, Data had entered the Galley, donned his positronic apron and was familiarising himself with the Galley utensils. He went through all the knives, made sure they were sharp, he checked all the pantry for what ingredients were on hand, pots, pans.. check, yes, everything seemed to be in order. But it was while he was checking the spice rack and removed the cinnamon from the top shelf, because it looked what was like cockroach dirt behind it, that he saw something small black and flat taped to the wall behind it.

After a closer inspection, he realised what it was, it was his Joke chip !

"Commander Riker, Captain Picard to the Bridge please," came a voice over the com units. "The Ferrengi are back and have hailed us..."

Five minutes later, both Riker and Picard were on the Bridge.

"Whats's the problem," asked Picard. Deanna Troi, who had called them, said, "The Ferrengi are now complaining that we short changed them some Dylithium Crystals."

"Good grief," complained the Captain, "What a day, can't anything go right,"

'We would like to speak with Commander Data," stated the Ferrengi Captain, "he was in charge of the delivery, why isnt he here?"

'That would be because he is in charge of the Galley for now, we have a food replicator problem and Data is going to be our ships cook,"

'What.,? " roared Riker, " you mean he's in the Galley right now, cooking?"

'Yes, Commander, I gave him authority, I thought anything would be better than SPLAT for dinner."

"Oh nooooo, " moaned Riker

'What?" asked the Captain

'Yes what?" asked the Ferrengi captain, who was still on the line listening to this conversation with amused interest, "cant Data cook?"

"No, its not that," said Riker, "I hid his joke chip in the Galley months ago, I couldn't stand any more of the lame Data humour, so took out his joke chip and hid it behind the spice rack!"

All of a sudden, the bridge went quiet for a moment, then just as quickly, sirens sounded, lights flashed, people were screaming and running everywhere, and others were already blocking their ears with their hands, and on the other end of the line, the Ferrengi crew watching on were rolling about with laughter at all the commotion and frustration.

Riker who was first to run to the Galley, came bursting in to see Data with his chefs cap on, his positronic apron on, and laughing himself silly on the floor in front of a squashed banana.

"What's going on,?" asked Riker.

Data just couldn't stop laughing, but as he gasped for positronic breath he said to Riker, "I just slipped on this banana and fell flat!"

"And you think that's hilarious,?" asked Riker.

"Well, yes, you see, its a joke I just came up with...How do you give a banana the slip?"

"Good grief,' muttered Riker, "here we go again,"

"You just _tread _on it," burst out Data, then rolled around the floor in fresh peals of uncontrolled laughter. "Get it Commander, get it? Give a banana the slip, it has a two way meaning, you just TREAD, on it.. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Riker tapped his com unit, "Captain, Im here with Data, I think we should just let the Ferrengi deal with him, Im sure after 5 minutes with him and they will leave the galaxy forever !"

"Is he that bad already,?" asked Picard

"Oooh yea, " said Riker, " why dont you come on down to 'Data's Galley', and have him make you a banana smoothie?"

"A Banan... naannan, A Banana ... smoooothie,' Burst out Data. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, good one Captain, thats a real smooth one, hahahahahahahaha, I'll add that to my menu, along with Banana, fritters, Banana splatters and Banana Splots!" laughed Data, "My Galley Rules! "

"Data, give me the joke chip, it just doesn't work for you, it broken," demanded Riker.

"Broken," you say," said Data, starting to laugh again, " like broken as in BENT maybe?.. Bent... like a...a... BANANA !" And off he went again with his lame banana jokes.

"Captain, this is getting serious," said Riker rather concerned now, "Data's jokes are just getting worse, and so is his untrolled laughing."

"Whats wrong with my jokes?.. are they turning to... MUSH… like a BANANA ?" asked Data, snorting with more laughter...and then bursting out with more yet again.

"We're on our way," said Picard.

"Please hurry, said Riker, "he's just having fresh peals of laughter here..." and as he said that he realised his mistake.

"Fresh.. PEELS, of laughter," laughed Data... like a... a BANANA, Peel ?" And Off went Data again erupting into further laughter.

Just then Picard and LaForge came running in to see Data pretending to be telling jokes on the phone with a banana to his ear..."Why did the Romulans have a banana shortage?" He

asked... then just as quickly replied, "because they threw away all the bent ones !... hahahahahahahaha!.. what do you call two banana skins... a pair of slippers ! hahahahahaha.."

"Riker, shut him down or something, pull the plug, cut the juice!" yelled Picard.

"I have to catch him first,' answered Riker.

Data was all over the Galley blurting out banana jokes, fifty to the dozen...

"What's yellow and goes Bzzzzzzzzz... an electric banana of course, what else, hahahahahaha...whats yellow and writes... a ball point banana... hahahahaha.."

Data jumped up onto the bench brandishing two ripe bananas… "Do you know why I like banana's so much Captain... it's because they have ... wait for it... APPEAL!" laughed

Data

'Maybe just shoot him," said Picard, "at least he will stop talking."

But just as Picard said that and Data was into his next banana joke that banana's never get lonely because they hang around in bunches... he dropped one of his ripe bananas, accidently trod on it, slipped, hit the top of the bench, slid off the bench, crashed to the floor, and fell SPLAT ! right at Rikers feet.

Riker quickly snapped a panel back on the side of Data's neck and slid out the joke chip.

Data went quiet. He had no idea why he had been laughing so much, or what was so funny. He remembered that he had come down here to cook while the Replicators were offline. He looked up and saw Riker, Picard, LaForge, and a few others that had came in. Thinking they were wanting something to eat or drink, he asked Riker if he would like to place an order.

"Oh yes, I'd love to," said Riker with a grin

"What would you like,? asked Data

"Oh, I think I wouldn't mind a slice of your best, Banana Bread," asked Riker with a cheeky smile.

The whole room erupted into vigorous laugher

Data turned to make the order.

"Now what was so funny about that I wonder," he muttered to himself…


End file.
